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Saturday, May 7, 2011

7th May - Ladies Night

Many years ago, after a couple of beers, I was conned with three other mates into going to a Ladies Night. As I had never been to one, my beer brain thought it would be a good idea to go.

Sober, and on the night, SH and I decided that we needed some Dutch Courage to go, and so we went to the Cross Keys in Tutbury for a couple of swift ones. We then walked down the Hill to Gyprock, a working men's club. In we went to find that our other 'friends' had got themselves firmly in chairs against the walls. For us two, the only free seats were on the front row in the middle. Too much of a view I thought.

Out the first stripper came. A young man, barely 20, came out in a white Naval Uniform, like Richard Gere in 'An Officer and a Gentleman.' Off came his jacket to reveal a a tanned muscular chest, then the trousers came off. He didn't hop on one leg, but pulled at the front and the legs came off courtesy of poppers all down the legs. His modesty was covered by a black G- String.

He then got off the stage proceeded to rub bay oil into his chest and made a bee-line for me. (Oh no, I really can't cope with this, I thought). I was exposed, as the audience apart from me and SH knew not to sit on the front row. With nowhere to go, I just had to take what was coming or run. He grabbed my head and dragged it down his chest. Stubble. He'd shaved not waxed. Well it was only about a fiver a ticket. I now had a shaving rash and the oil was in my hair making my fringe stick up, but at least it was over, or so I thought.

The next 'turn' was a drag queen comedian, and then to finish the night off the young stripper came on again. This time he went right down to the buff, but 'kept his hat on'. With, what I believe gentlemen call a 'lazy lob', he flicked baby lotion into the audience to whoops of amusement. Yep, yet again I learnt why not to sit on the front row, as the lotion hit me in the eye.

Bit difficult to explain to my mother the next day why I had a barber's rash on my forehead and a bloodshot eye, when all I'd done was go out for a couple of beers with mates.

About a year later, Derby Rape Crisis Centre had a Women's Evening to raise funds. As the star turn was Jo Brand, I convinced AJP to come with me, and I promised that we wouldn't sit on the front row, but would position ourselves at the side.  Like the previous event, the audience were all women, although they weren't as glammed up as the last night. In fact I should have guessed when I went to the bar and joked to the women next to me that it was a shame that the bar staff weren't topless. I should have clicked that the lack of a laugh from her. When I paid more attention to the audience, some of the women had braces and grandad shirts on. ( DMs were fashionable for women at that time, as well).

Jo Brand came on stage and stated that she was hetro-sexual despite the comments in the media. She asked the audience who else was. In the front 6 rows, 3 women put their hands up, me, AJP and a woman next to us. 'Thank goodness', she said, 'I thought I was the only one here.'

Best joke she told was about her partner, who had to go for a urine test, and didn't have a sample jar to take it to the doctors.'Don't worry Jo suggested, just take the bath mat'. That was sort of funny, but the stony silence from the majority of the audience who didn't know what she was on about was funnier.

Ladies Night was a cheesy disco hit from the 80's sung by Kool and the Gang.

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